A wedding, a drive, a thought

I took a trip to Salt Lake this past weekend. It was kind of an emotional roller coaster. The drive there took about 12 hours to go 580 miles due to snow. It took almost 3 hours just to get out of Colorado. Coming back was worse. I was driving through snow out of SLC up to Park City, then icy roads to Evanston. After Evanston there were several huge wrecks and traffic stopped for about an hour. A semi had jackknifed pretty bad among several other ice-caused wrecks in a 1/4 mile span. I was able to get through that and drive for 3 hours in good weather.

The snow was wind-blown and got pretty bad at times, but the Honda did well being a front-wheeled drive vehicle with studded snow tires. Then after going through Rawlins, the Freeway shut down at Sinclair. No kidding, bad day. It was our 7th anniversary and I was busting my balls to get back, but at this point I was stuck. I tried to backtrack and drop down into Colorado, but the roads in Colorado were worse off and closed at several locations. So at this point I have to face the music.

I had already spent 2 hours at a nasty truck stop in Sinclair where there was no ventilation and everyone, even the waitress, was smoking cigarettes. I don't get nauseated very easy, but after sitting in there waiting for my burger for 45 minutes, I was ready to puke. I ended up parking at the Flying J near Rawlins and sleeping in the car all night. I was prepared for the worst and had packed my old United Airlines cold suit. It is very warm. I don't recommend sleeping on the drivers side though next time. It just makes it easier to start the car. I had to call work and tell them I was stuck. They were OK with it, just told me to be safe.

The road finally opened up the next morning as I was finishing up my breakfast buffet, around 7:30am. I ended up getting home around lunchtime.

Lincoln Monument

The wedding was nice. It was small and mostly family, only me and another friend were invited outside of the bloodline. Kimmee, Robb's wife, is a culinary master and made that cake. I was able to stay at Robb's place and have some time to talk to him before it got too busy. He was really glad that I made the trip and expressed his appreciation a couple of different times. That made it worth it despite the long journey there and back.

I was able to see several other friends and catch up with them. One of them is in the middle of a divorce. He walked in on his wife doing the deed in his own house and in his own bed. What a crappy way to find out. He has had a rough go for a few months but is doing better. This conversation with him made me think a lot about communication and how much we, as humans, suck at it. Even those who talk a lot aren't the best, often they are the worst listeners.

I think this is why it is important to carefully evaluate a relationship before you make any lasting commitments. You need to be able to connect on more than one level. As horny 21 year olds coming off of our missions, we tend to think with one thing on the brain and forget that once things settle and the honeymoon is over, you actually have to live together and talk and share lives. Having kids helps, you have a common goal and something to work on, it is usually at this point though where you start to forget that you have to have priorities. The first one should be your spouse, regardless of the kids, money, work, church, etc. I think it is too easy to let it get distorted and the kids seem to slide into the #1 spot w/o us realizing it.

We need to speak each others Primary Love Language and if it is foreign to us we have to learn it so that we can fill the other's tank. I think at times we just want our tank filled and forget that it goes both ways. We have to be willing to give and receive. However, we cannot just be giving all of the time and not have our own tanks filled. I have realized more than ever that everyone has needs and they are going to get them filled somewhere. They will hopefully go to their spouse, or the person that should be filling those needs, but if that doesn't happen, they WILL find it somewhere. Some find it in hobbies, some in pornography, some in other people, whatever the case may be, they WILL find it. Some heavy stuff to think about for sure.

In the church we tend to think that once we get married in the temple and reach that life long goal, it is smooth sailing. But should that really be our goal at that time? Is it really OUR goal at that time? Is it just expectations we are trying to live up to? OUR expectations? OUR parents? the church's? I think they are worthy goals, absolutely, but we should be focusing on what is best for us and our long term interests. If we are ready and have thoroughly thought these things, maybe it is the right decision.

The pressures that we in the LDS community, put on ourselves and each other, are enormous. When I think of the pressure I faced at BYU coming off of my mission, wow. I was supposed to pick a career, something to do for the rest of my life, every day, and like it. Riiiiiiiiiiight. We know how that went. I finally just decided a few years ago what to do. Sometimes I look at other things and want to do other stuff. I think it is the ADD in me. I like the thought of doing a lot of things and not having to stay in one place for too long. I digress. So there is the pressure of choosing a career at a point when one has little or no experience.

Then comes the pressure of marriage. It starts when/if the mission president puts the bug in your ear. I've heard some that say, "Elder, your next companion is out there and waiting for you." Or, "Elder the next step in your eternal progression is marriage, don't delay." Now I realize that it is part of our eternal progression, but aren't we told to pray "Thy will be done" and "In the Lord's time?" Seems like that should take care of the pressure, but it doesn't. Every phone call home you get mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, asking who you are dating, when you are getting hitched. I know, I have and am one of those siblings & friends that have put this kind of pressure on others. I should be ashamed for it. TAKE YOUR TIME. There is no rush, no clock ticking.

My brothers Josh and Benji got it right. I'm not saying they didn't/don't feel the pressure because I know they did from my parents as much as anyone, but at least Josh took his time and got it right. Benji is 27 and still single, but he is don't what he enjoys and not putting any pressure on himself. Danny on the other hand, that boy is w/ a new girl every week. More power to him. He has a 3 track mind: church, school, and women. (in no particular order). Ahhh, those were the days.

There is definitely pressure.I remember hearing so many talks by Bishops and other leaders while at school, encouraging you to date and get married, then the next talk was about chastity and morality. What, chew the meat but don't swallow it? Morally it makes sense, but holy cow, more pressure. Find out what is supposed to last for eternity, but you can only window shop before picking out the right one. ETERNITY!!! That is a long time, meaning FOREVER. I still feel the pressure of that and I just hit my 7 year anniversary.

I have a lot more to say about this one but I will go for now. My mind is full of thoughts around social pressures, and not just about marriage, but also having children, how we act, why we do what we do.

This is not an optical illusion. People in pictures are actually this tall. This is why we make such a great doubles team in volleyball.