Milestones

The Honda rolled over 170,000 miles last night. It had 49,000 miles on it when I met Janna. That got me thinking about my dad, today is his 55th birthday. He's gotta be rolling somewhere around 250,000 miles about now on that body of his. Happy Birthday DAD.

Patience

If there is one thing I need to have more of, it is patience. Why this is on the brain, I don't know if I can pinpoint the single reason, but I can think of a few reasons.

Perhaps this is why I have been called to be the coach of the 14-18 year olds at church. There are a few of them that have very little-if any experience. Some of them have a lot of experience and are fun to watch, but some of them cannot hit even the backboard with the ball if they are standing in front of it. So between trying to teach these guys the simple, basic skills, and trying to get them to come to practice it could get a little frustrating.

I was given another calling this week to serve as, and I hope I get this right, the Wolf Cubscout Assistant Den Leader. It is also a Tuesday night calling but will continue obviously when the basketball has ended. At this point I don't know my responsibilities and they have not called the actual Leader for whom I will be an assistant. It makes me wish Stone was old enough to be in it so I could help him.

Between these callings, moving to a new project, 3 sons, and a wife one would think I get plenty of practice in learning how to be patient. I think the patience I am seeking is on a larger scale however. It is the patience of greater things. Patience in work. Patience with myself. Patience with others. Patience with experience. Patience in life.

If anyone reading this has ever had to deal with issues relating to Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD, then you know life can be a lot harder for some people than others. The ironic thing is that there is not a deficit of Energy, there is actually too much energy, too many things going on in our heads.

These next few paragraphs I pulled from a website called Living with ADD. Its Home page does a good job explaining in simple English how ADD can affect a person who has it.

What is A.D.D.?

ADD Stands for Attention Deficit Disorder This is one of the only times that I will refer to ADD as Attention Deficit Disorder. Those of us that are ADD know that attention is only one part of being ADD. Plus we really don't have an attention deficit. In fact we actually have an over abundance of attention. It's just hard for us to pay attention to only one thing at a time. If that one thing is boring or meaningless to us, it is next to impossible to pay attention to it...
Positive ADD Traits

Creativity: People with ADD are very creative. Yes, You are creative too. Living in a non-ADD world may have stifled your creativity though. When we as ADD people have no outlet for creativity that is when problems start to escalate...

Sensitivity: People with ADD are highly sensitive. Many ADD people appear to be the exact opposite though. This may be because society does not want us to show our feelings. This is especially hard for males. We wonder why little boys with ADD/ADHD are fighting a lot. If they cry like they feel like doing they may be told that crying is for babies and to "suck it up"...

Intuition: People with ADD are very intuitive. We rely a lot on our gut feelings. For some reason our society does not to seem to value intuition very highly. Society wants us to prove everything. Sometimes it's very hard for people with ADD to find proof for what they know in their gut is 100% correct...

Intelligence: People with ADD are usually very intelligent. Sometimes tests used by the non-ADD world do not always show that. Plus when people with ADD are not interested in something we don't do very well and the tests become worthless...

The Negative parts of ADD

Misunderstanding: Many children and adults with ADD often feel misunderstood. Much of this has to do with non-ADD people not understanding ADD. Many people don't believe ADD exists at all. There are also many others that label ADD as a disability or disorder. Yes, we as people with ADD may think differently than non-ADD people, but that really does not make us disabled..

Focusing: People with ADD have trouble focusing on one thing at time. The non-ADD world sees this as a problem. It can in fact be a problem when an a person with ADD is reading a book that really doesn't interest him or her. Many of us really like the fact that were are able to do 5 things at once. While many non-ADD people can't "walk and chew gum at the same time". People with ADD can do that and so much more...

Organizing: Some people with ADD appear to be very disorganized. Many times that is just an outside appearance. We may not have things in neat files or everything in a spot. Yet, we can usually locate things that are important to us. It's just that since so many things are not important to us at every moment things do get misplaced. For instance when the phone rings it's not import to us at that moment where we put our cars keys. So, the keys usually get thrown down any where...

Time: Time can be an enemy to people with ADD. It's almost as if it's a foreign concept to us. This can lead to many problems in the non-ADD world. Bills don't get paid on time, assignments aren't handed in, we are late for appointments. Time just doesn't make sense to us at times...

Completing Tasks: This may be one of the largest problems for children and adults with ADD. The problems above make it hard for us to complete things. Also, many people with ADD don't ever see any things as completely finished. We almost always have something more to add. It's hard for us to figure our what is acceptable as finished to the non-ADD world when nothing is really ever finished to us...

This is a pretty good rundown of my life and my thoughts. There are a few things that I might not agree with or a couple of the negatives that actually I have turned into strengths such as time. If not for time and deadlines, I probably would not get anything done, e.g. our bathroom tile. I have everything done in there but the tile. I have to give myself real deadlines or if it stays an open-ended project it may never finish. In work and school I would write down my deadlines so I could visually see them and then make time to complete what needed to be done and they always got done. The biggest exception to this was law school. I suppose that if I truly loved it and wanted to be there, it would have been much easier to deal with, but after only a month of it I knew in my mind that it wasn't going to work. I tried to make it work for a year and that round peg/square hole thing came true.

The good thing about it was that this was when I actually sought treatment for the way I was struggling with school, and I'm not talking about school, but things like my inability to sit for more than a couple of minutes at a time and be able to focus on the reading I had to do. I did fine in class and could follow the conversation and the flow, but when it came down to me and stuff outside of the classes, I couldn't do it. I wanted to beat my self up, pull my hair out, find another way, anything but what I had to do. If you don't have it, most of this probably makes no sense to you. You just do it. I couldn't. I wasn't choosing not to, I was trying. I could physically not do it, just as I can not physically pull a full grown pine tree out of the ground.

Lucky for me 3 things happened.

First, I found out by going to the Student Services that I have Adult ADD. I was able to get some help for my anxiety it was causing. I was able to take a step back from what I was doing and evaluate whether or not it was what I wanted. Obviously I decided it wasn't worth the self-destruction it was causing. I didn't like myself. Physically I was breaking down. I had never had a cavity in my life and after a visit to the dentist (my dad) the x-rays showed that my teeth were starting to break down. Not good.

Second, I had talked to Janna before we ever started law school and told her that if I didn't like it then I couldn't be afraid to walk away. She concurred and so when it really came down to it I was able to reflect on that conversation and know I had her support. I was past the point of worrying about extended family and what it meant to them.

Third, I had a conversation with a neighbor about the Construction Management program at Boise State and was able to remember that on a road trip while we were eating lunch in Boise. I was able to visit the school and learn about the program. They welcomed me with open arms

In learning about my ADD, what I was able to do most importantly was learn how I function and how I learn. Perhaps going back to get a 2nd undergrad was a step down on the difficulty of classes, but really it was a step over as far as the type of material I was having to learn. It went from all reading to math, engineering, and reading about much more interesting things that I could more easily relate to. Calculus is not harder than Torts, just much more straightforward.

I took many different types of classes and excelled at nearly all of them. I made the Dean's List every semester with high honors and honors. The biggest difference, I liked it.

Now that I am in a field I enjoy I have to work hard not to get too comfortable. Sometimes I feel like I am underutilized and undervalued and maybe I could find something better. Recently I had my annual evaluation which was really a 6 month evaluation because I transferred over in July. I let him know that I expect more responsibility and opportunities fo be offerred or I will go look for it. I am a pretty ambitious guy normally, it just sucks that at this job I have had to constantly ask for things to do to help instead of be given responsibilities.

This new job I have been assigned to will bring with it the opportunity to be fully integrated and invested and do a little flying by the seat of my pants as I learn a lot of new things by necessity. Again, it comes back to patience. I have to realize learning some things will take time and I can't know it all at once. If that were the case I would have already started my own company.

A wedding, a drive, a thought

I took a trip to Salt Lake this past weekend. It was kind of an emotional roller coaster. The drive there took about 12 hours to go 580 miles due to snow. It took almost 3 hours just to get out of Colorado. Coming back was worse. I was driving through snow out of SLC up to Park City, then icy roads to Evanston. After Evanston there were several huge wrecks and traffic stopped for about an hour. A semi had jackknifed pretty bad among several other ice-caused wrecks in a 1/4 mile span. I was able to get through that and drive for 3 hours in good weather.

The snow was wind-blown and got pretty bad at times, but the Honda did well being a front-wheeled drive vehicle with studded snow tires. Then after going through Rawlins, the Freeway shut down at Sinclair. No kidding, bad day. It was our 7th anniversary and I was busting my balls to get back, but at this point I was stuck. I tried to backtrack and drop down into Colorado, but the roads in Colorado were worse off and closed at several locations. So at this point I have to face the music.

I had already spent 2 hours at a nasty truck stop in Sinclair where there was no ventilation and everyone, even the waitress, was smoking cigarettes. I don't get nauseated very easy, but after sitting in there waiting for my burger for 45 minutes, I was ready to puke. I ended up parking at the Flying J near Rawlins and sleeping in the car all night. I was prepared for the worst and had packed my old United Airlines cold suit. It is very warm. I don't recommend sleeping on the drivers side though next time. It just makes it easier to start the car. I had to call work and tell them I was stuck. They were OK with it, just told me to be safe.

The road finally opened up the next morning as I was finishing up my breakfast buffet, around 7:30am. I ended up getting home around lunchtime.

Lincoln Monument

The wedding was nice. It was small and mostly family, only me and another friend were invited outside of the bloodline. Kimmee, Robb's wife, is a culinary master and made that cake. I was able to stay at Robb's place and have some time to talk to him before it got too busy. He was really glad that I made the trip and expressed his appreciation a couple of different times. That made it worth it despite the long journey there and back.

I was able to see several other friends and catch up with them. One of them is in the middle of a divorce. He walked in on his wife doing the deed in his own house and in his own bed. What a crappy way to find out. He has had a rough go for a few months but is doing better. This conversation with him made me think a lot about communication and how much we, as humans, suck at it. Even those who talk a lot aren't the best, often they are the worst listeners.

I think this is why it is important to carefully evaluate a relationship before you make any lasting commitments. You need to be able to connect on more than one level. As horny 21 year olds coming off of our missions, we tend to think with one thing on the brain and forget that once things settle and the honeymoon is over, you actually have to live together and talk and share lives. Having kids helps, you have a common goal and something to work on, it is usually at this point though where you start to forget that you have to have priorities. The first one should be your spouse, regardless of the kids, money, work, church, etc. I think it is too easy to let it get distorted and the kids seem to slide into the #1 spot w/o us realizing it.

We need to speak each others Primary Love Language and if it is foreign to us we have to learn it so that we can fill the other's tank. I think at times we just want our tank filled and forget that it goes both ways. We have to be willing to give and receive. However, we cannot just be giving all of the time and not have our own tanks filled. I have realized more than ever that everyone has needs and they are going to get them filled somewhere. They will hopefully go to their spouse, or the person that should be filling those needs, but if that doesn't happen, they WILL find it somewhere. Some find it in hobbies, some in pornography, some in other people, whatever the case may be, they WILL find it. Some heavy stuff to think about for sure.

In the church we tend to think that once we get married in the temple and reach that life long goal, it is smooth sailing. But should that really be our goal at that time? Is it really OUR goal at that time? Is it just expectations we are trying to live up to? OUR expectations? OUR parents? the church's? I think they are worthy goals, absolutely, but we should be focusing on what is best for us and our long term interests. If we are ready and have thoroughly thought these things, maybe it is the right decision.

The pressures that we in the LDS community, put on ourselves and each other, are enormous. When I think of the pressure I faced at BYU coming off of my mission, wow. I was supposed to pick a career, something to do for the rest of my life, every day, and like it. Riiiiiiiiiiight. We know how that went. I finally just decided a few years ago what to do. Sometimes I look at other things and want to do other stuff. I think it is the ADD in me. I like the thought of doing a lot of things and not having to stay in one place for too long. I digress. So there is the pressure of choosing a career at a point when one has little or no experience.

Then comes the pressure of marriage. It starts when/if the mission president puts the bug in your ear. I've heard some that say, "Elder, your next companion is out there and waiting for you." Or, "Elder the next step in your eternal progression is marriage, don't delay." Now I realize that it is part of our eternal progression, but aren't we told to pray "Thy will be done" and "In the Lord's time?" Seems like that should take care of the pressure, but it doesn't. Every phone call home you get mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, asking who you are dating, when you are getting hitched. I know, I have and am one of those siblings & friends that have put this kind of pressure on others. I should be ashamed for it. TAKE YOUR TIME. There is no rush, no clock ticking.

My brothers Josh and Benji got it right. I'm not saying they didn't/don't feel the pressure because I know they did from my parents as much as anyone, but at least Josh took his time and got it right. Benji is 27 and still single, but he is don't what he enjoys and not putting any pressure on himself. Danny on the other hand, that boy is w/ a new girl every week. More power to him. He has a 3 track mind: church, school, and women. (in no particular order). Ahhh, those were the days.

There is definitely pressure.I remember hearing so many talks by Bishops and other leaders while at school, encouraging you to date and get married, then the next talk was about chastity and morality. What, chew the meat but don't swallow it? Morally it makes sense, but holy cow, more pressure. Find out what is supposed to last for eternity, but you can only window shop before picking out the right one. ETERNITY!!! That is a long time, meaning FOREVER. I still feel the pressure of that and I just hit my 7 year anniversary.

I have a lot more to say about this one but I will go for now. My mind is full of thoughts around social pressures, and not just about marriage, but also having children, how we act, why we do what we do.

This is not an optical illusion. People in pictures are actually this tall. This is why we make such a great doubles team in volleyball.